Friday, April 4, 2008

ANTM: House of Pain


That’s right bitches, we’re back with a newbie from ANTM.



On their way home from judging, the girls compliment Aimee on her skin looking amazing in the picture.


Wow, so she used her skin in a photo? Who would have thunk that’s the way to go!


After they get home, Claire is on the phone with her husband, where he tells her that their daughter’s teeth are growing in.


Claire is sad because her breast milk is drying out and she won’t get to breast feed when she gets home.


Does she really want a teething child to feed on her breasts? I’ve never breast fed but wtf. Plus, the kid looks old enough to be on the bottle already. I knew she was the type.


The following morning Claire is awakened by Dominique’s alarm clock.


Apparently Dominique sets her alarm way early but doesn’t get up and just lets it ring. Fuck that, it’s not Dominique’s fault. Dominique’s clock confuses Dominique. Duh.


The rest of the girls in the room are pissed and Claire ends up calling Dominique a bitch.


I love Stacy Ann.


Anya even gets in on the fight and tells Dominique she needs to learn to communicate. She needs to stop. Dominique speaking about Dominique in third person is seriously the highlight of my week. And Anya’s so getting the winner edit. My guess it’s her and Kat in the final two.


The girls continue their argument in the living room, this time Whitney, Claire and Lauren team up and go after Dom-Dom. Damn, I forgot about using that. Oh, Dominique, how I love thee for bringing on so much lulz.


Dominique asks Claire if she speaks to her husband the way she spoke to her. Dom-Dom is still pissed that Claire called her a bitch. Like it’s a bad thing being called a bitch. She took being called a tranny easier.


Claire then retaliates by saying at least she has a husband. So what, you’re a better person that Dom-Dom because you got married after finding out you were knocked up and she didn’t? Not that I’m saying that’s what happened, but damn.


Lauren and Whitney then get into the argument and start shouting some bullshit. I hate when stupid bitches gang up on a tranny bitch. It’s just not fair.

And now it’s time for the quote of the week!


“YOU ARE FUCKING CRAZY!”

Lauren standing on a chair and screaming her head off at Dominique calling her crazy was priceless. Of course I agree with Lauren, Dom-Dom is crazy, but again, what’s wrong with that?


After the bitchfest Dom-Dom calls her mom on the phone and tells her the girls are attacking her.


Dominique is hurt. Dominique has feelings, Dominique is a winner. Dominique’s mother sounds fucking amazing. She needs to get on the show, someway, somehow.


Seriously, I get that Sprint is paying major bucks to advertise on the show, but the amount of times they show that fucking logo is ridiculous.


Later that night (or whenever, the cutting is horrible on this show) the girls get into their fab cab where they pull up and the partition rolls down to reveal a hot tranny mess:


or Tyra, as she’s known on the show. I love how they made it seem that she actually drove somewhere with the girls, and not just stepped in while the car was pulled over, like you know what actually happened.


Ty-Ty tells the girls to go upstairs and change. The acting on this show is phenomenal.




After they change Ty-Ty comes on up and tells the girls she’s going to be teaching them how to pose at the end of the runway.


Dom-Dom takes this lesson seriously. She’s like a sponge. Absorbing all of Tyra’s juices. Ew.


Tyra and her antics are driving me insane, between the screaming, the bad acting and the sight of Tyra rolling around on the floor with her legs spread, I’m kind of praying that the rumors are true and she is leaving the show. Naomie would NEVER do such things like that. Sure she'll slap a bitch when necessary, but what's wrong with that?


I’m sorry, but Anya looks like a used tampon. Ew, I know, but she was talking about period pains and my mind just went there.
















Tyra tells Lauren to model like her palm hurts. I’m starting to love Lauren.

Pain in posing? They’re seriously running out of ideas on this show.


The girls get back to the house and get a Tyra Mail, where she tells them the “lesson” was in fact a challenge.


Used tampon was the winner.


The lucky bitch won a one on one photo shoot with the hottest thing on the show:


Ok, the second hottest thing on the show:


Nigel is so dreamy. I don’t care if he’s got fucked up teefs, I’d bang him any which way he wants. And you can totally tell he’s kinky.




I’m starting to like Anya. Yeah her Tyra love is nauseating and don’t get me started on the voice, but she takes fierce pictures and she doesn’t think before she speaks. Which is always a plus in my book.


Back at the house, the Hyena Sisters (I know that’s the name for the bitches on the Bad Girl’s Club, but the idiot triplets remind me of them so I’m going with it) start laughing and talking about Dom-Dom while Dom-Dom is trying to sleep.


I used to like Claire, but her childish antics with the other hyena sisters this episode pissed me the fuck off.


Seriously, if someone makes me feel bad/sort of agree with Dominique, I have an automatic hatred for them.


After the tiff, the girls get a Tyra mail telling them some shit. I’m officially blocking them out from now on.


The next day, the girls go to Brooklyn where they meet that dude from The Shot on VH1. Their photo shoot is about the different genres of music. I love that they did a photo shoot in Brooklyn, and nobody covered hip-hop. They had punk, metal, grunge and emo, but no rap? Ugh.


















Who was the costume designer on this? The outfits were too costumey and horrible.

After the shoot the girls get home and of course they bitch about how well/poorly they did in the shoot.


Dominique is very excited.


It’s judging time, bitches! Fucking Tyra and her theatrics.


Wait, Lauren’s outfit could have been tacky? Could have? Child, please. That shit was a hot tacky mess. What pop star in this decade would actually wea…




Oh. Oops.


Oooh, Kat’s getting another makeover!


I’m honestly over Claire. She’s so overconfident, and not in the hilarious, ‘obviously a mask for low self-esteem’ way cough::Dominique::cough, but an arrogant, childish, annoying, douche bag sort of way.


In the end, Aimee and Claire were in the bottom two


with Aimee going home.


This is another reason why I can’t stand her.


So long, Aimee! You were cute and went home too early, but I’m guessing it’s a good thing because a sweet, innocent thing like you doesn’t belong in the fashion world.

5 Comments:

  1. Secretista said...
    This was awesome!

    I can't stand Dominique...
    SICK. said...
    thank god for you, because otherwise i would be totally lost in antm.
    hhaa, that claire-jumping-because-she-isn't-going-home thing was funny.i used to like her, now, not so much.


    x.
    jessica
    molly said...
    i love you..
    ok that was a bit forward
    but these are so great!
    i liked aimee
    she shouldve stayed
    FUCK the judges...people get sent home for not being versatile...she gets sent home for being too versatile
    ugh whatever
    Divine Blackness said...
    First of all....you are f-ing hilarious, chile. I mean reallllyyy "used tampon". You are so funny! I watched the first few episodes of this show and I'm like so faaar behind but if you post entries like this every week, chile, I'll be okay.

    Keep it up!
    New Jack said...
    words.cannot.express.how. i.love.you...i did NOT see the episode of ANTM and I'm an ANTM crackbaby and I cannot wait for this cycles marathon to come on MTV/VH1 and you gave the BEST AND MOST IN DEPTH REVIEW EVERRRR way way WAY better than any antm fan site has even ever done
    good job mama :)

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