Friday, March 7, 2008

Fish Shoes

As a reader of Wendy Brandes's blog, I know of her fascination with Fish Shoes. Well, when I was unpacking my books I found my little big book on Shoes. The book, which was written by Linda O'Keeffe, is mostly pictures and some backstory on different kind of shoes throughout the centuries. While I was casually flipping through it I found the above picture of a Fish Shoe, and thought Wendy might find it interesting.

As well as the Fish Shoe, I found a Giraffe Shoe:

which in my opinion isn't as fabulous as the fish, and my personal favorites, the Penis Shoe:

and the French Maid Shoe:

I really want the French Maid shoe. That bow in the back, which Wendy is also a fan of, does it for me.

Nothing, actually. I heard that Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day is really good, but it's not playing in my city.

And we’re back with another top notch episode of hi-jinks and madness involving (somewhat) pretty, skinny bitches.

The episode starts off with the girls at home when a load of bags arrive full of apple bottom attire.

I wonder if Jade hooked this ish all up.

Ugh, I love Stacy Ann.

Allison is already complaining because the girls are immature and she has experience, blah, blah, blah. I used to like this bitch but her monotone voice and arrogant attitude make me hate her. Bitch, if you had any kind of experience, you wouldn’t be on Top Model. Everyone in the industry knows it doesn’t work in your favor.

Fatima tells Allison that she has an "apple bottom" and that she also has a bigger butt than her because she’s all around bigger than her. Which is true, Fatima is pretty much a walking stick figure.

But Allison, being the sarcastic bitch that she is took it on the offensive and made a big deal about saying something like that to an anorexic girl.

Um, sweetie, how was Fatima supposed to know that? Sure she might have mentioned it off-camera but from what I’ve heard, there are no off-camera moments on ANTM. You know Tyra would’ve shown that shit and made a huge deal about it if she had.

The girls then take a trip at five in the morning to Walmart. I don’t care what you bitches think, Walmart is the shit. We used to go to Walmart at four in the morning after a club because there was nothing else to do in Orlando.

The girls meet up with the CoverGirl people who tell them they have five minutes to get makeup from CoverGirl and apply a fresh clean face on. Ugh, I hate CoverGirl. It’s the cheapest shit ever. If you’re going to go with drug-store, Maybelline is a million times better. I got three of the worst eye infections I’ve ever had when I used CoverGirl eye makeup. And their outlast lipcolor or whatever feels like nail polish on your lips.

Anyways, Claire ends up winning the challenge because she actually knows what she’s doing.

Let’s take a second to spotlight Lauren. She drives me crazy. And I hate that the judges are up her ass now. Her awkwardness does not work. And if you’re not into makeup/fashion/whatever, why are you trying to get into the modeling industry for? Seriously?

In bed that night, Allison starts playing with dolls. She has a black one and a white one and says that the black one is Fatima. She says, “voicing” the black doll, “I like to take it in the back (ass) cause I’m black.”

First of all, from my extensive knowledge about the adult entertainment industry, I know the “sexpert” on anal sex happens to be Tristan Taormino, who happens to be white. So there, Allison, not every person who likes to take it from the back is black.

Fatima flipped out on her and the two argued back and forth. Allison stated that Fatima said something disrespectful about her body so she shouldn’t get offended when Allison said something back. I’m so tired of this bitch.

I would’ve made that quote of the week but I’m saving it for when/if she harps on about her genital mutilation.

After the argument, the girls get a Tyra Mail that tells them they’re going to be getting makeovers the next day. Woohoo, let’s mess these brokedown bitches up even more than they already are!

The next day the girls head over to the Stephen Knoll salon where Tyra tells them they’re going to be sitting them down and they won’t know what kind of hairstyles they’re going to get. According to Tyra, it’s the scariest thing ever. Really? As Molly pointed out, she’s telling this to girls who have been molested and circumcised. Scariest thing ever?

Me thinks what’s under that wig Tyra wears is the scariest thing ever.

Can I just mention quickly that Tyra-Vision is the worst idea ever and whoever “invented” it, needs to be shot in the foot. Hopefully it was Tyra. That’s what she gets for trying to imitate every freaking girl.

Now let’s recap the girls’ makeovers:

Anya: What in the fuck kind of fuckery is this? Her hair is so horrible. It was so long and pretty before. She should’ve just gotten layers and maybe bangs. But platinum blonde with matching (almost nonexistent) eyebrows? Ew.

Whitney: I actually love what they did with it. The weave looks a little cheap and it looks like they didn’t blend the layers in well, but it’s an upgrade.

Aimee: It looks like she’s wearing a wig which (sort of) makes her more interesting, so I’m guessing upgrade?

Marvita: Upgrade. I actually like it. And Tyra did not fucking invent the Mohawk. Native Americans and Punks around the world have been doing that shit for centuries. Sit the fuck down, Tyra.

Lauren: It’s sort of an upgrade but I hate her so she’s still an “ugly duckling” in my eyes.

Katarzyna: Tyra’s better with the name but still doesn’t quite get it. Katarzyna’s overall look is an upgrade. I love this girl. She’s sex on sticks and needs to ditch this competition because they don’t appreciate her beauty.

Claire: What the hell did they do to my girl, Claire? Ugh, why! I loved her half shaved head look, I thought it was unique, interesting, and her. But nooooo Tyra loves to play with these bitches like they’re her own personal Barbie dolls. What am I saying, they are her own personal Barbie dolls.

Fatima: Oh my god, this girl was in need of new hair. Thankfully they went long and straight and it looks fabulous. Maybe it’s because it was so horrible before, but she’s my pick for best makeover this season.

Allison: She went from looking like a skinnier/prettier version of Sarah Silverman, to looking like a skinnier/uglier Amy Adams. Downgrade.

Dominique: Told you the weave was going to go. But I’m glad it went to a good cause:

Stacy Ann: Ugh, I love her. Hate her new look, but I love her overall.

Anus: I guess it’s an upgrade because it hides her face more. So it’s an upgrade by default, even though it looks like they used some of Dominique’s old weave for it.

After their makeovers, the girls head home where a Tyra Mail awaits them, telling them they’re going to work “The Body”. Oooh, Tyra’s ex BFF Heidi Klum is going to be pissed. Of course “The Body” was always Elle Macpherson, but Heidi’s been trying to claim that title for the past couple of years and she won’t like it that Tyra’s reminding people that she isn’t the original.

Tyra better quit or Heidi won’t give her girls any more work on Project Runway.

The girls head out for a yacht the next morning where they’re going to use the Brooklyn Bridge as a backdrop. They get inside the boat and Elle Macpherson is there waiting for them. Wow, what a surprise! Yawn.

They’re going to be modeling her new lingerie line. Free plugs!

Overall Fatima, Claire, Whitney, Marvita and my girl Katarzyna were the best. So the eff what if she’s being sexy. Um, she’s selling lingerie.

Have I mentioned how annoying the new Tyra Mail is? Ugh, these chicks screaming in unison is enough to drive anyone batshit crazy.

I still don't get her and her whole fish out of water schtick is old. Her photo was not that amazing. WTF, is it just me that doesn’t see it? Do I need to schedule a visit with my optometrist?

Oh, by the way, there is nothing at all commercial about Dominique. Nothing. Mister J pissed Dominique off. Because she’s not commercial-like!

And now it’s the Quote of the Week time!!!

“I’m not going home”

Awe, Allison. How sweet, overconfidence! That’s something new from you!

It’s judging time!

See, Anus can be sexy! As sexy as any Anus can be, at least.

And of course they were all up Lauren’s ass. I must need new contacts.

And I hope Nigel disinfected his hand with gasoline after it’s been on Tyra’s booty. Actually, I feel bad for her ass. It has to be in pain with as much time as Tyra’s head spends up in there. Maybe it needed a little lovin’ from Nigel. Not saying that Nigel still won’t have to use hella Purell to get rid of those germs.

Paulina says that all she sees when she looks at Dominique is “soccer-mom”. Well yeah, after that horrible cut that you gave her that happens to be “soccer-mom-esque”. Of course going to make her look like a “soccer-mom”. And commercial. Plus, those horrible pants don’t help.

In the end it was between Dominique and Allison in the bottom two.

With Allison going home.

Thank you, Tyra! You’ve given me immense pleasure over the years having laughed at you so many times. There, you got a Thank You, are you happy now?