Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Here we are again ladies, another year (ok, half year) another cycle. It’S been ten cycles (because ANTM is just like a period) of Tyra, her wannabe models, and her crazy ass antics.
I love how the past couple of cycles (fuck it, I’m calling it a season) has to have a them. And this year’s theme is Charm School! Tyra, you are no Monique:
She did it better. A million times better. And bitch is fierce.
Anyways, the season starts off with the girls screaming, yelling and giving me a headache, riding in a school bus.
They pull up to a “school” where the meet the two J’s. Y’all know I love Miss J and J. Alexander to death. I wish Tyra would just go away and leave the show to these two. But then we wouldn’t have this to laugh at, now would we:
The J’s tell the girls to change into little school girl outfits for their first “photo shoot” where my favorite by far is Kimberly:
Love it.
Miss J then takes them into a corridor (hallway) where they strut their shit. My favorite walk is Lauren’s:
Why? Because she’s hopeless and I love her.
After their little walking session, the girls head out to the football stadium where a couple of cheerleaders are waiting for them. But this is ANTM, so those couldn’t possibly be regular cheerleaders. Oh, no, those are Top Model rejects! Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for Furonda, Jael, Michelle, Amanda and Joanie!
Way to go, losers! See, even the chicks who don’t win get
No, it’s not you, Dominique. Sorry to tell you, but you fail at life. I still love your fierceness though.
At this moment, I say to myself: Self, this season premiere is lacking something. And then I’m pleasantly surprised and pleased to see that it’s Tyra Overexagerated Acting “Skills” time!
Ugh, How I’ve missed Tyra being Tyra:
Tyra tells the girls some bullshit that basically says that they’re all lucky to be here, blah blah blah, one will
The first one in casting is Anya. Anya is Hawaiian, so of course Tyra has to emulate her speaking voice, making her seem like an even bigger dick. Yes, females can be dicks, even though they do not have one.
Anya is pretty but she’s one of these chicks ::cough::Jaslene::cough:: who annoy the fuck out of me. The voice, the Tyra adoration, the pathetic attitude towards modeling (i.e. “this is my dream, I live/breath/will dieeeee for fashion!”).
I see her married to a huge Samoan in ten years with three kids and another one on the way.
Next up is Atalya.:
Atalya needs to quit with the plucking of the eyebrows. And the lipstick. And the eyeshadow. And the drawing on the Cindy beauty mark. What the fuck am I saying, it’s probably real but it looks fake as fuck. I have one but it’s because when I got my Madonna/Monroe piercing, it left a mark after I took it out and never fully healed. But you don’t see me trying to darken it with brown eye liner.
Next up is Allison:
Allison could be defined as a skinnier/prettier/more annoying version of Sarah Silverman. She tries to be funny but girlfriend needs to stop. I think she’s pretty and could actually make it in the industry, but her shtick puts me off.
Usually I’ll only recap the actual show contestants. But I would like you to meet Shaya:
Shaya is an Ali. Shaya is thexy. Shaya is clathy. Shaya is not Johnny Depp, which means Shaya is not my fantasy. Shaya needs to stop speaking in third person because bitch aint cute.
And now we’re back with Amy:
Amy wants people to check out her pubic hair. No thanks, Amy. Ten bucks it’s as dirty as she looks. Seriously, is it just me or does this girl look like she hasn’t taken a bath in weeks. Maybe it’s the bronzer or foundation that’s doing that to her, I don’t know. She reminds me of Lisa D’Amato in a bad way.
Next up is Whitney, the “plus-size” model:
I say that in quotes because bitch aint no plus size. This is a plus size model:
And bitch is fierce. Whitney looks like she’s a stomach flu away from being a size 4. And yes I stole that line from The Devil Wears Prada. Shoot me.
Next up is
Who’s ready to bring it. And of course she’s the bitch. Who’s been through a lot. And cries during casting. I already love her. All of this:
Pretty. Ten bucks they’re cutting off her
Next up is Katarzyna:
I actually really like her. She has good potential to be
Next up is Lauren:
Lauren wants to represent the “weird” and “freaky looking” girls. Tyra mentions that the top models now aren’t “like her”. They’re “weird”
and “freaky looking”
Next up is Stacy Ann:
I thought I was going to hate her because she’s basically a brokedown Danielle (wtf ever with the “Dani”), but I actually like her. Most of it has to do with the fact that she’s basically a dumb blonde. And you know how I love me the dumb blondes:
But I love Miss J even more for asking her if the reason she got married so young was because she got pregnant. Cause you know that was my question, too.
Next up is Aimee:
Aimee is an ex morman. That’s pretty much the most interesting thing about her. Boring bitches are annoying. I can’t believe she actually made it onto the show.
Next up is Kim:
Remember what I said about dumb blondes? Yeah, I love her, too.
Next up is Fatima:
As soon as you see Fatima, you know she’s got a problem. Cause a girl with that hair color/style should not be allowed in the competition. Sure she has model potential, because she is pretty, but girlfriend needs to work on her style. And she’s annoying as fuck. Yes something horrible happened to her but that doesn’t mean she’s not annoying. There, I said it.
And it’s time for Quote of the Week!!!:
Fatima was telling the girls about never being able to have sex because she went through a female circumcision when she was a child in Somalia. Everyone tried to make her feel better because she was crying and then here comes Marvita, being the bitch that she is.
“So do you feel less of a woman?”
I love that she got into an argument with Allison. And I love that Allison called her an abrasive bitch. Ugh, now I remember why I love this show.
And of course, Marvita is next up:
Marvita, who was a contestant last season, said that when her pastor saw her on the show she told her that she needed Jesus. Uh, no, Marvita needs penis. Because bitch is uptight and annoying. A good fucking will mellow her out.
And now let’s take a break to introduce you to my favorite ANTM contestant of all time, Jenna.
Bitch wasn’t going to be on the show because she got a new job and was going to get an impala and put in some 22’s
Homegirl broke it down and everything. Ugh, I fell in love. Damn you, Tyra, for not casting her! And she better come back next cycle because you know Tyra loves her a comeback. FLY!!!
Jenna: Spontaniouse approved
Next up is Claire:
Claire is a savior for the environment. Claire is a mother. Claire drinks her own breast milk. Claire’s kid is probably three years old. Don’t you hate it when mothers breast feed their children until it becomes somewhat inappropriate. As Miranda said, if they’re old enough to ask for it….
I’m not saying that the kid is that old, I’m just saying that Claire seems the type. But bitch is fierce and is a front runner in the competition for me.
After the casting the girls are whittled down and some bitches are cut. Cry me a fucking river. Jena made it, but alas, wasn’t chosen in the end. ::tear::
The girls are then
And one last shout-out to my girl Jenna:
Finally, Tyra narrowed the bitches down, and we know all who made it
And who didn’t
:(
That’s it for this episode. The competition starts now! Ugh, I’ve been listening to Tyra too much.
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i.e. the best treat ever
AND IVE GOT TWO TO READ TODAY
IM STOKED