It’s the first real episode of ANTM and boy was it eventful(sarcasm).

The theme this year is not only the future of fashion, but “green”, meaning the girls get taught about the environment and Tyra gets to be known as a hero because she’s promoting being eco-friendly to the world...




When the girls first get to L.A., they are greeted at the Fashion District by Mr. J who told them about “going green” this cycle. He leads them outside to check out their new bio-diesel bus.



How many times did they flash the bio-diesel on the bus? Tyra really has to make the point across, which brings us to the Quote of the Week by Mila!



“I’m pretty supportive about the environmental kick and it really is important to just be aware about what keeps our earth good.”







The girls arrive at the house where the entire house is decked out in the “green theme”.

Lisa then says that she was in foster care and had never been in a house like that before. I love how they paired that with Lisa falling into the pool.





Lisa, Saleisha and Bianca have fun pretending to be at elimination where Saleisha makes fun imitates Tyra during elimination. I love that Bianca points out that she “even does the blink” because that seriously annoyed me about Tyra. Ugh, put some eye-drops in or something.



Bianca then makes a comment in the “confessional” about how Lisa doesn’t have what it takes to be a model. This coming from a girl with purple hair and over-plucked eyebrows.



The next day the girls are taken to the studio where Mr. J tells them that they’re going to be doing a PSA photo shoot showing the hazards of smoking.

Since when did ANTM have a point? I thought it was all about making fun of awkward girls on their journey to realizing that they’re pretty enough to model and then telling 12 out of the 13 that they aren’t pretty enough to be a model and then shoving the winner into the last two minutes of their fifteen minutes of fame?

We interrupt this program to bring you this:



DAMN! Mike Rosenthal is HOT! Why haven’t I noticed this before? Sigh.

We conclude this announcement and return to the scheduled program.





The girls each have different side effects caused by smoking but I’m still stumped as to why they gave Mila and Jenah pretty much the same one when there are so many other side-effects caused by smoking.



Kimberly then showed the first signs of cunti-ness by saying that Heather was “gorgeous” but that she there was “something off” about her. Kimberly needs to shut the fuck up. Seriously. But we’ll get to her later.



Mila. Poor little Mila. I don’t blame her for laughing. I mean she did look like Bozo and uh, she has blonde hair. Why’d the give her a brown wig?



He's so freaking hot:




While asking Victoria what she thought of this face:



Bianca went into attacking Lisa’s “authenticity” calling her phony and saying she tries too hard. Again, this coming from someone with purple weave.



Is she trying to be a broke-down Jade?



God, I miss her.



And of course Tyra exploits the girl with Aspergers, who is awkward around people, by putting her in a photo with another person. Let’s just throw her in there and see what reaction we get out of it!





Mr. J shows Kimberly what not to do:







Lisa asks Victoria if she was going to practice posing and Victoria says that she’s going to wing it. I like her. She knows it’s just a modeling competition and it’s not the end of the world if she does badly in a photo.



But I have to ask, how many times do you think they’re going to mention that Victoria’s from Yale throughout the entire cycle? I’m guessing 97, but I tend to lowball things.

While getting the screencaps I saw this shot:



and thought it deserved some work:



Fabulous, I say.









After Lisa was done with her photo shoot, Bianca asked if she thought she did better than her. Lisa said she thought she did well and Bianca said she didn’t think she did.



This starts an argument between the girls where Lisa told Bianca that she was conceited. Bianca went into yelling at Lisa, calling her a 20 year-old stripper and saying that she would never win and to just go home. Lisa starts crying and Ebony and Saleisha literally wipe her tears away.



First of all Bianca’s a hoodrat. She needs to STFU. Second of all, Lisa needs to be proud of being a stripper. Strippers are fun. I mean, look at Heather.





Mr. J comes in and gives the girls advice via voice-over. I hate that they do so much voice “dubbing” in this show. For those who don’t know, that’s when they don’t show the person speaking and you can tell the sound coming out isn’t what was said on location. They had to go back in and record some dubbing over the show. Got it? Good.



Ok, so the girls get back to the house and Lisa decides to confront Bianca about their fight and “squash” it. Bianca, of course, is always thinking and pretends to “squash” it because it might come up during elimination.



America’s Thinker, ladies and gentlemen.



The girls then take turns discussing Heather and her chances in this competition, the fact that she isn’t picking up after herself, and that she lacks social skills. They all need to shut up because in all honesty they sound extremely ignorant.



Except for Mila! She’s really open minded and gives everybody a shot. A shot of what, I have no idea but it’s a shot!



Still, don’t talk about people while they’re there so they can hear you. Talk about them behind their backs like normal human beings, that way you don't look bad.



Later that day (or whenever) Miss J, looking very unlike her usual self:



comes to visit the girls and tells them that they’re going to be heading to Old Navy for a little shopping spree. I don’t care what anybody says, old navy is the shit. Where else can you get (kind of) good quality flip-flops for $2.50? What? I’m from Florida.



The girls head to Old Navy where they’re greeted by Benny Ninja, the Prince look-like that showed the girls how to vogue and pose last season:



The girls are then given ten minutes to put together an outfit to be judged on later that night at elimination using whatever was in the store.



After the girls get back from the house there’s (of course) Tyra Mail where she tells them there’s going to be elimination the following night. The girls (mainly Kimberly) then proceed to talk more shit about Heather.



First of all sweetie, those type of people have different behaviors and shouldn’t be lumped. Not every person “like that” clings. And while we’re at it, it’s cling, not clinks. Idiot.



And if they wanted to break my heart even more, Heather calls her mom and cries about not being able to trust the girls. Her mom, sounding like the sweetest person ever, tells her to keep her head up and "be nice" to the other girls.



It's elimination time!!! During elimination the judges judged the girls on the outfits they chose in Old Navy.



During Victoria's judging Twiggy says that judging by her picture, you would never be able to tell Victoria is so shy and insecure. Victoria corects her by saying that she's soft-spoken, but not insecure. This is another reason I love Victoria. She can give it to the judges without being a complete bitch. I love how Twiggy and Nigel got pissed when she stood up to herself.

Quote of the Week #2!!! (I know, but I had to pick two)



“This shot here looks like you just farted and you just lifted up off the seat.”





I love how they called Ebony out on being a bitch during casting and they’re now calling her out on trying not to be a bitch during the competition. Are we sure Tyra and co. aren’t bi-polar?



The winner of the Old Navy dress yourself challenge is Saleisha. She gets to be in an Old Navy ad and gets a $1000 shopping spree there. Gap ads are better.



During deliberation, Tyra told the judges that Heather has "assburgers" syndrome. How many times do you think Tyra’s going to point out Heather’s “assburgers” syndrome throughout the entire competition?



In a shocking twist (har har), Tyra decides to ban smoking in this cycle. Bad news, smoking bitches, you’re all gonna get fat! And even bitchier!

The last two standing ended up being Ebony and Mila because (of course) they were both pretty girls who didn't know how to translate that into pretty pictures. Ugh.





Snot, snot, drip drip.



In the end, poor little happy Mila got cut. I was wrong, she didn’t cry, but she did tear up.

Expect more bitching from Bianca next week and another ho to cry.

For another seriously hilarious review of ANTM check out Four Four.