Guess what time it is, bitches!!!

I'm going to be doing a weekly review of ANTM so check it out and let me know what you think.....


It’s ANTM Cycle 9!

Alright, before we move ahead with this season, I just have to say, Where’s Adrianne? Adrianne Curry, winner of the first season of ANTM, isn’t anywhere in the intro. It's been like that for a while but since this is my first ANTM review, I wanted to bring it up. That’s bullshit that she’s not there. So what if she pissed Tyra off, that doesn’t take away the fact that she won.

Ok, I’m done.

This year it’s all about being “role models” aka all the bitches have major problems and shit to overcome. How many girls cry in the second episode? I’m guessing 9 of them.

Anyways, this season is a little different in that the interviewing is going to be held on a cruise ship. Tyra packs up all the wigs and ships all the girls off to a cruise ship!



Most of the girls were way broke-down this season, but I have to say I fell in love. Meet Spontaniouse:



Sadly, Spontaniouse didn’t make the cut. God is punishing her for being born to parents who didn’t know how to spell spontaneous.

Spontaniouse and the rest of the shrieking pack (all they do is scream and yell this year) get on the boat and are surprised to find Miss J on deck, who makes them walk the “runway” with life jackets on.



This is high fashion, people.

Most of the girls were horrible especially my FTW (for the win) girl, Heather. Ok, I know Heather’s slow and has a serious syndrome, but that doesn’t mean she should walk like a hippo with diarrhea! Scratch that, those hippos from Fantasia were fierce.



After the walk the girls got to meet each other and over breakfast the next morning they were treated to a performance by Miss J in drag:



Ugh, she wishes she looked like Miss J in drag. Miss J has way better legs.

Ever since the fifth or sixth season, all these bitches scream and freak the fuck out when Tyra comes into the room. I can picture one of the P.A.’s on set, “Alright girls, Tyra’s coming in, now SCREAM!!!” Why do they do that? It’s so freaking annoying. I mean, she’s not Jordan. Jordan’ll give you something to scream about.

One by one all of the girls came in to meet Tyra and her bitches.



Those twinkling lights in the background were so freaking cheesy. Ugh, they reminded me of bad proms in the 80’s. I’ll only recap the girls who actually got on the show because those other bitches don’t matter. Except for Spontaniouse.

First came Ambreal:



First of all, that outfit needs to die a horrible death. If I was Tyra, I’d rip those things off her legs. I hate outfits like this. Like remember how the skirt/pant combo came out a few years ago. OMG and the Skorts! Ugh, I’m done.



Next up was Chantal:



BORING! The hair’s horrible but they’ll take care of that. Her neck is way too long for her tiny head. Hopefully they don’t cut her hair short or shave it off like they do to make those girls cry on that show.

Heather:



Heather has been my favorite since the model photos were first released. She has an amazing look. She’s a tad awkward (she has Asperger Syndrome, which is a mild form of autism) and can’t walk to save her life, but I love her. She makes my cold heart melt.

Saleisha:



Saleisha was part of the T-Zone camp Tyra has going on. First of all, Mariah came out with the camp for kids first so Tyra better step. Shit, Mimi did it first and better. Second of all Tyra must feel damn old if the girls she “brought up” at the T-Zone camp are all grown up. Fuck, that makes me feel old too. Damnit.

Victoria:



First of all, NO. Second of all, HELL NO. Ugh, she doesn’t even “want it”. It’s cool to not “want it” if you’re amazing (hello, A.J. cycle 7) but ugh, her? NOOOOO.

Janet:



Janet is a “kitty-kat” waxer from Georgia. Janet has an amazing body (a little too buff, imho) but this is why I love Janet:









I love Miss J:





Mila:



Mila has greasy hair. Mila needs to work on her jiggly ass. Mila is a no for me. Mila will cry at least once by the third episode.

We interrupt this program to bring you this:


SHE DOES NOT HOLD A CANDEL TO ADRIANA LIMA!

And then there’s this:



We conclude this announcement and return to the scheduled program.

Jenah:



Jenah freaks me the fuck out. She reminds me of Chucky. No, I don’t want to play, bitch. But aside from that Jenah brings us the quote of the episode!!!!

“I am beautiful. And I’m smart. I know stuff; I read books.”

Sarah:



What the fuck kind of bullshit was that? Ugh, I hate when these hoes try to be funny by doing something goofy/stupid/NOT FUNNY. Sarah’s too lazy to lose the extra weight so she decided to put herself in the “plus size” category, even though she’s only a size 10. What the fuck ever, bitch, lose the weight and then model. I have nothing against being plus sized or plus size modeling, but SHE’S NOT PLUS SIZE! Remember in season 4 when Keenyah put on weight and Tyra kept calling her out on it? My how things have changed now that Tyra’s a “plus size”.

Lisa:



I looooove Lisa. I think her and Heather are my two faves. Plus she’s a stripper. Everybody loves a stripper. Lisa showed the world how good of a stripper she was when she gave Saleisha a lapdance:



And what did Spontaniouse have to say about that?:



Bianca:



Bianca’s cool. The purple hair has to go but she seems ok. Not too boring but not to insane.

Kimberly:



Yeah, we don’t know why you’re there either. Kimberly looks like she’s going to take great pictures but she has nooooooo real personality. Damnit, I’ve been watching way too much ANTM.

Ebony:



Ugh, the resident bitch, hiding her insecurity and pain behind a wall of bitchyness. Ebony can walk, I give her that, but I don’t see her taking amazing pictures. But she’s great TV!

After all of the interviews the girls are taken to the beach where they meet up with:



Surprise, surprise! Jaslene, the winner of cycle 8, happens to be on the beach shooting and proves to the girls she’s not a tranny:



The girls take all of their pictures and head back to the boat but not all of them are allowed on. Thirteen of the girls get left behind on the island because Tyra doesn’t need them anymore.

But look who did make it on…:



Why does that look like a mugshot to me?

After the cut, Tyra listens to the girls tell her why they should be America's next top model. Let the crying begin! I feel like making a t-shirt that says, Pretty People Have Feelings Too!

Miss and Mr. Jay plus Tyra sit down to discuss who will make the final cut and move into the house. Tyra then gets all the girls together, like seasons before, and calls out the girls who make it to the house. Sadly, these two weren’t picked:




(Spontaniouse)

And that was the season premiere of ANTM: Cycle 9. Who wants to take bets on who cries first in the next episode?

For another seriously hilarious review of ANTM check out Four Four.